By Jane Hoskyn
Dating would be so much simpler if you could send back a man like you can send back a restaurant meal.
Sadly, you can't call the waiter over and say: "Excuse me, he's not hot enough, can I get a new one? Or I'll swap him for that bloke over there. Thanks."
It's all too easy to end up on a date with a bloke you don't fancy. Maybe you met him online, where he gave great email and looked gorgeous in his photo - but in person he's got all the sexual magnetism of a wheelie bin. Or maybe you'd said "yes" when you were drunk, or maybe it was just really dark at the time.
Once you're alone with him in Date Hell, it ain't pretty. An evening making conversation with a man you neither know nor fancy is like having to force down that cold restaurant meal. For four hours.
What should you do? Stay and pretend to enjoy the company of someone who doesn't interest you in the least? Or just leave, because life's too short to waste a whole evening of it on this loser?
If you ask us, the wise woman cuts her losses and leaves. You don't want to see this man again, so why worry about what he thinks of you? It's nice to be polite, but there's nothing polite about stringing a guy along for several hours.
Here's how to cut and run without losing face.
1. Just slip out the back, Jack
This strategy is quick and fuss-free, if a little cowardly. Simply slip out for a ciggie or a loo break, and don't come back.
You might hit a snag if the loo window is too small or rancid to climb through, or if your date spots you walking off and tries to follow you.
Even if you do make your getaway, this strategy can turn quickly from simple to arduous. He'll soon realise that you've done a runner. Even if he was bored too, his sore ego will make him angry - and you won't like him when he's angry, especially when he keeps phoning you to demand answers.
Getaway score: HH
2. Be revolting
Save yourself the bother of escaping a bad date: be such a bad companion that you send the bloke running for cover.
It's easy to do. Simply fill your conversation with all those taboos you're not supposed to mention: those eye-popping things your ex used to do in bed, the trouble you've had with your bowels, the amazing arse on that bloke at the bar. Once you start, you won't want to stop.
Ideally your companion will run away, so you don't have to. Plus, he's unlikely to want to see you again. But it may backfire if he thinks you're cute rather than offensive.
Getaway score: HHHH
3. Invent a previous engagement
If you're suddenly called away for an urgent appointment, it's a hard one for your date to argue with... especially if your urgent appointment is to see your STI doctor.
However, it's a bit obvious. Urgent appointments don't usually happen at 9pm on a Saturday night. Plus, this strategy invites him to ask you for another date "to make up for it," which presumably is the last thing you want.
Getaway score: HHH
4. Feign illness
If you've ever pulled a sickie to get out of work early, you already know what to do. "Oh gosh, I can't see straight..."
This one is pretty failsafe, because no man wants to spend the night with a sick person, especially if your "sickness" is an icky complaint that compromises your sexiness. Complain of tummy ache, and let out a fart. Voila, you're as free as your gut-gas.
This strategy doesn't work for long. If your date likes you, he'll just send you flowers the next day and ask when you want to reschedule. Er...
Getaway score: HHH
5. Phone-a-friend
Get a mate to phone your mobile at a pre-arranged time. If you want out of the date, explain to the guy that your poor friend is lying in a pool of blood and you must dash to her aid. Guarantees a swift exit.
However, unless the poor man was raised by wolves, he won't believe you for a second. In fact, as soon as your phone rings, he'll say: "is that your getaway call?"
Getaway score: H
6. Be honest
Tell him you don't think the chemistry is right, and leave.
Harsh? Maybe, but in the long run it's the only one that really works. Honesty leaves no room for misunderstanding. If you're polite, no-one need get hurt - and it stops him wasting time on a woman who's not interested. It should also put him off coming after you for a second date.
However, it's easier said than done. Piping up: "This isn't working for me, I have to go" is a very difficult thing to do. Then he'll probably persuade you to stay, which means several very awkward hours with someone who knows you don't want to be there.
The answer is to be resolute. Say that you don't want to string him along, but that you'd love to stay for a drink. Then stick to your guns and go.
Getaway score: HHHHH